This newsletter is made possible with the support of the American Diversity Group (ADG), based in Maryland. ADG is organized to bring together a diverse group of people to build and sustain a healthy community and enrich lives. Contact the ADG by visiting their website.
A Conversation
"Where are you from?"
"Right here, Maryland, I was born in Howard county!"
"No, I mean where are you really from?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know, where is your family from? I'm just curious because you speak English so well and I thought you people were supposed to be good at Math!"
[Nervous laughter]
…
How many of us have had this type of conversation with someone? Be honest! Most such types of conversations are full of what is called "Microaggressions." (All bold words in this article are examples of microaggressions.) The person lobbing these loaded microaggressions can be entirely well-meaning and not realize how offensively they may be coming across to you! So what exactly is a microaggression? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition is as follows:
A comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority.)
I have experienced these and other microaggressions as an Indian-American immigrant that came to the U.S. many decades ago routinely and frequently to this day! I'll give you an example I now use to illustrate the problem vividly for audiences: I spent the first decade of my U.S. life in Georgia.
Back then, I had a thick Mumbai accent when speaking English. One day a lady at a social gathering of some kind exclaimed upon hearing me talk that she was glad I had survived the tigers in the jungle where I must’ve grown up and learned to speak English too!
The lady was kind and not racist in any sense of the word. She had never been exposed to people from India. She had no concept of life in that strange country outside of Rudyard Kipling's "The Jungle Book." She was shocked that we not only survived Kipling's Sher Khan but also had a flourishing family-based computer software business in India. What?! Computers? on Trees? She promised to pray for me at the end of the short but informative cultural exchange. I had assumed then that, in all probability, having someone pray for me was positive, and I let it go with a friendly smile.
How should you respond to these microaggressions?
The best thing to do from personal experience is to let the matter drop if it is in a social setting. It is almost impossible to educate someone in a few minutes and not come out looking "petty," "sensitive," or "woke" to the other person and needlessly raise their defenses.
You could make a sarcastic remark or a joke out of the situation if you want to tell them that you are upset or annoyed indirectly. Such cases are challenging to walk away from if one has already experienced other microaggressions on the same day.
But what do you do if you are in school or at work where you routinely meet with the person, and they continue to commit these microaggression offenses? Ignoring those offenses repeatedly is not only draining emotionally but also hurtful to your mental well-being. In that case, it may be good to let them know to stop and become more mindful of their language.
One has to be careful in doing so, making sure that we do not blame them by calling them a racist or a bigot - they most probably are not racist or bigoted. It is more effective to tell them that you feel offended by their language and explain the reasons. Suppose people in authority (at school or work) repeatedly commit these offenses. In such instances, it may be wise to involve friends or colleagues and complain using appropriate HR mechanisms at work or similar official channels at school.
Finally, the more people are aware of microaggressions, the less likely they will be defensive when confronted about their behaviors. We should also teach our kids about diversity and equality at home and help mold them into respectful adults. If problems affect your mental health, please contact someone you trust, like a good friend, doctor, or therapist. The good folks at ADG are ready to help, too!